Things Left Unsaid
by Amazon Life
Summary: Cameron says goodbye to Remy in her deathbed, and makes a confession. Written for prompt #26 of the Housefemslash ficathon on lj. Songfic - Things Left Unsaid by Disciple.


I still can't believe this is happening. I can't believe you did this. I can't believe I didn't see it coming.

It's true, we didn't get along that well in the beginning, but it was just some initial awkwardness. Eventually, we grew closer. You even let me in, and both of us know what that means to you. We became friends, best friends even.

We used to hang out together, do girl things, talk for hours and hours. You used to listen to me, you used to be there for me whenever I needed someone. It was you I ran to when I had an argument with Chase, when my day at work had been terrible, when I had lost a patient. You would cheer me up, make me laugh, help me fight my insecurities, lend me a little bit of your self-confidence. You'd give me chocolate, a hug, a shoulder to cry on.

And you used to talk to me too. It was a slow progress for you, but, in the end, I earned your trust. You allowed me to get to know you, to get to see behind that brave façade you displayed to everyone: your fears, your regrets, your pain, your kindness. You would run to me when you needed something too. Or at least I thought so.

Just a few days ago, you seemed perfectly fine. We went out for dinner and a few drinks after work, the four of us: you, Eric, Robert and I. You were planning your wedding, and the two of you seemed so happy! You couldn't stop talking about how you wanted things to be. In a trip to the ladies room, you secretly confided me that you were kinda scared to make such a lifelong commitment, not knowing exactly how long your life would be, but you sounded hopeful that the latest treatment you were in would have some effect. We all thought it would; after all, three years have gone by since your diagnosis, and you still hadn't displayed any symptoms.

But now I'm here, sitting on a hospital bed beside you, after you've tried to kill yourself with sleeping pills and alcohol. Eric had just been grocery-shopping, and had arrived back in your condo only to find you already unconscious, a note on the nightstand close to you. You had a spasm; the treatment wasn't actually working. You had decided to _take control of things_, as you said, and _end everyone's agony_. You wouldn't stand to make your fiancé watch you die. You wouldn't stand to let your best friend watch you die.

Oh, if you had just told me what was on your mind… If I had just noticed something at work, and had been there to prevent you from ever thinking that we would be better off without you... Oh, if you would just wake up, fall out of this fucking coma and talk to me, and let me knock some sense into your stubborn little head!

But I know that's not gonna happen: as much as we'd hate to admit it, we're doctors, and we know, as much as you knew, that the dose you took was lethal. You're not coming back.

I just sit here beside you. Eric's already fallen asleep in the couch, but I can't close my eyes. I can't keep them off of you. I've been watching you all night, checking your heartbeats, listening to you breathe, even if I know it's not actually you breathing, but a machine that's keeping you alive.

I wish I had been braver. I wish I had had the courage to end my confusion and face my feelings and take them for what they were, and tell you about them when I could. Maybe, if I had, this wouldn't have happened. Now, I will never know. I will never know if you felt the same way too, if our flirtatious comments weren't as much a joke as we pretended they were, if I would be happier with you, and you with me, than we could ever be with our men, even though we did love them.

I never told you that. I never got to tell you that my life wouldn't have any grace without you. I never thanked you for taking the time to take care of me, for speaking words of true life to my heart and mind and soul.

I won't get another chance to do that, but, as you fly away tonight, I want to tell you that I love you. I hope that you can hear me, that you can feel me hold you tight in these last moments we have together. As you fly away tonight, I want to tell you that I'm sorry I never told you any of this when we were face to face.

I say goodbye to you, but only for now. It's true that I don't believe in God, but I do believe in some kind of afterlife. I know we'll see each other again, someday, somehow, when it's my time to go to the other side.

When this day comes, I hope we can live all that we didn't get to live here. I hope we can say all that was left unsaid, do all that was left undone. I hope I'll be able to hold you again. I hope I'll see you smile at me, that gorgeous smile of yours that makes me melt and feel instantly happy, no matter what.

I see the hilly indicators of your heartbeats suddenly turn into a flat line, and I know you're gone. You've left me, and I'll keep on living without you. I'll keep living _for_ you.

Because, even if it seems paradoxal, you have taught me the value of time. You've taught me not to take life for granted, not to take people for granted.

I still have Robert. And Eric; he'll need our support now. We can still share memories of you, keep you alive in our hearts. I can still make sure that the people in my life know what they mean to me; I won't make the same mistake I made with you again.

As I finally close my eyes, I just hope that, in your sleep, you stayed and heard me long enough to know that I love you.


End file.
